Helping Your Child Understand Emotions

Sometimes, emotions hit you like a tidal wave. One moment you're feeling dull, the next you feel on top of the world. Or, on bottom. Being overwhelmingly happy or sad is not necessarily a good thing. A lot of us ride the emotional roller coaster, and it's not a ride that usually ends well. This is why it's so imperative that parents teach their children, at a young age when they begin to express emotions, how to handle them properly. Children learn how to react to their emotions vicariously through the significant adults in their life: their teachers, their coaches, their aunts and uncles, and you, the parent. So, before you flip the lid for any given reason, even if the neighbor knocked your fence down and it'll most likely take hundreds to repair, remember this: your child will emulate this behavior. As their number 1 teacher in childhood, it's important you know ways to approach them when they themselves are unsure of how to handle their emotions.

Parents can help children handle their emotions by identifying them by names (sadness, anger, etc.) and discussing the result of how they handle said emotion. A lot of parents think it is wise to tell their little one to "calm down" or "go to their room" when they are throwing a temper tantrum. Now, put yourself in their little shoes. You were there once before. You're yelling and screaming because you can't get your homework done.You don't understand what is being asked of you, and your teacher didn't have enough time toward the end of the day to discuss fully what was expected. You don't know how to handle this emotion of frustration, so, it boils up and you start to yell. You don't want to yell, you don't want to cause a scene, but it's what is happening and you don't quite understand it. You're in a realm of confusion and frustration, and your parent tells you to "go to your room until you calm down." Now, you're even more confused. You're being punished? What for? You were just expressing how you felt. It may not have been the best way to express it, but it was the reaction your body naturally elicited.

Instead of telling a child to calm down, removing them from the situation to either punish them or simply to stop them, a parent should practice discussing these emotions with their child. Punishment will not fix their irrationality, nor will it be very effective in stopping them from acting out like that again. You're better off offering them your empathy, a soothing voice and helping them to calm down. Once they're calm, you can ask them what triggered the emotional meltdown. They need to understand that everybody feels the urge to have a meltdown from time to time. Everyone experiences these same emotions, under different circumstances, but they pass. They're fleeting, and that's truly something everyone, child or adult, must remember why they find themselves overwhelmed. It's only momentary.

You must teach your child that it's important for social standards to conduct themselves properly even when they feel emotions arise too quickly. They can remove themselves from the situation creating the stir, environmentally and emotionally. They can close their eyes, take deep breaths and count to five. They'll open their eyes to a different perspective; it works every time.

Recognizing the emotions of others is also extremely important early in life. It creates empathy, an attribute so crucial to social skills that I reiterate it almost every blog post. Watch family TV shows, you know, those ones that always have some sappy message by the end. Those sappy messages can be pretty solid life lessons. Discuss with your child what goes on in school, with their friends and acquaintances. Do they witness other children handling emotions well, or throwing temper tantrums? If they do, discuss how those individuals could have handled their emotions better. Even more so, and this is for your child just as much as it is for you...if you find yourself yelling or bugging out in front of your child (it doesn't matter what the cause was; did yelling solve it?), have a sit-down with them later on (when you're calm) and discuss how YOU could have handled the situation better. Remember, they learn a lot about handling their own emotions through you and your behavior.

Here are some tips for helping your child develop their emotional and social skills. Take the time to:

• Notice and praise their positive behavior
• Listen to the stories they tell you (and be interested! even if your day dragged on)
• Praise their accomplishments, big and small
• Be patient when they make mistakes, keep pushing them (with positivity) until they succeed (they'll have to learn to positively push themselves one day...it starts with you)
• Encourage their talents and interests, even if they aren't your own
• Show consideration for their feelings, even if they are being overly dramatic
• Show them unconditional love (a given) because they need your support more than anyone's

Emotions shape everything we are and everything we become. We are emotionally driven beings. We learn better when emotions are involved, and emotionally stable individuals have a much better chance at becoming successful in their careers than those who are unstable. Start building that stability early. Parents take the time to teach their children how to make their own breakfast, how to ride a bike, how to write cursive...but a lot of parents don't realize how important it is to teach them emotional stability. It's totally understandable that parents who work long hours find it difficult confronting their child's over-emotionality at night. But, being a parent is a job, one that comes first and should never be forgotten.

Dealing with positive emotions is A LOT easier than dealing with negative emotions. So here is a list of children's books that tackle the subject of negative emotions. They're great to read with your children, and can teach them a lot if you guide them in applying their own life to these short stories ("Have you ever been in this situation?")

• When I'm Angry - Aaron, J
• Dealing with Hurt Feelings - Adams, L
• Mean Soup - Everitt, B
• It's Hard to be Five - Curtis, Jamie L.
• Being Angry - Johnson, J.
• Annie Bananie - Komaiko, Leah
• Let's Talk About Being Afraid - Kreiner, A.
• Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day - Viorst, J. (one of my favorites)
• I Was So Mad - Mayer, J.
• Ira Sleeps Over - Waber, Bernard
• Can't You Sleep, Little Bear - Waddell, Martin
• How To Take the Grrr Out of Anger - Verdick, Elizabeth

 Resource

Spivey, Becky L., M. E.d. "Helping Children Understand and Deal with Emotions" Handy Handouts (2013): http://www.superduperinc.com/handouts/pdf/390_UnderstandFeelings.pdf