Helping Your Child Become Independent

When we first become parents, our children rely on us for every need. As children grow, we can watch them cross small yet major developmental milestones, like holding a bottle, sitting up, reaching for things they want to hold, pushing away things they don't, etc. Next is independent travel: scooting around, crawling and eventually, walking. Walking opens up a realm of discovery for children and greatly increases their ability to learn independence and self-care.

It's typical for children to want to become more and more independent when they reach the preschool years. They'll want to do more and more for themselves, and this can be nerve wracking for a lot of parents. You just have to remember that letting children take on certain levels of self-care (use your parental judgement on this) is a crucial benefit to their development, socially, emotionally, and one day, financially!

Around the ages of three and four, most children will display a lot of self-care skills, but mastering them might not occur until around six years of age. For children with special needs and developmental delays, mastery of self-care skills might not occur until later in life.

Self Care Skills

Mastery of self-care skills vary for every child, but with practice and persistence, all children can improve them. If your child is actively resisting attempts at any of these self-care tasks or has no interest in learning them, consult your pediatrician (Spivey 1). 

As toddlers, most children begin:

• Using a fork or spoon to eat, and with some guidance from you, using a plastic knife is possible (although I'm 23 and I still find them flimsy and impossible to eat with)
• Dressing and undressing. Preschoolers should be able to put clothes on and take them off without much trouble. Velcro® is great for young children, and makes for a simple doing and undoing of clothes, but clothes with snaps, buttons, and zippers can give children great practice as well. 
• Brushing their teeth. They might be using the toothbrush, but they also might need help or supervision to ensure that they are getting a thorough and long enough clean in. This is a task that takes great coordination for them. But, it makes them feel grown-up! Make sure you teach your children to only use a pea-sized drop of toothpaste, as ingesting fluoride is not good (don't get me started on all the fluoride in the drinking water). 
• Using the toilet on their own. Most children are toilet trained by age 3, but some may not be able to train until 4. Both boys and girls first learn to urinate while sitting on the toilet. Help your kid get comfortable using the toilet at home and away; this will help them avoid holding it in. Holding it in can lead to accidents and isn't the best for the bladder, as you could imagine. Preschool aged boys might want to copy their fathers by standing when they pee. If your child is not fully potty trained by this age, don't be discouraged. Consult your physician if you do think it may be a problem. 
• Preparing breakfast. Children ages 3-4 are typically able to make cereal for themselves as well as find the utensils and dish-ware they need (they might not want to, but that's irrelevant). Make it easier for them by making these items accessible to them (ie: placing the milk lower in the fridge so they can reach) and prepare for many spills, they are learning. 
• Helping out around the house! Yes you read it. Even though they might not want to pick up clothes, put their toys away, take out the trash ;), children should be able to tidy up around 3-4 years of age. Encourage yard work like pulling weeds or picking up trash and sticks. In the kitchen, let them help mix pudding, muffin mixes, make sandwiches, etc. (Spivey 2). 

Be positive about your child's process of learning and applying self-care and independence, and this will encourage them to keep trying. There will be messes, spills, and accidents here and there, but it's small in comparison to how your child will feel about his/her accomplishments and independence. There's plenty of tasks not appropriate for children (using the oven or microwave, ironing, etc.) and they may not understand why, but they should accept it. 

As years pass by, children learn more and more what independence and self-care truly means. One day they'll be driving their car to work, and all of it will be worth it. Put your own work in during the early years and ensure a solid foundation for a successful, independent future!

Resources

Spivey, Becky L. Super Duper Publications © 2008 Handy Handouts: "Reaching Developmental Milestones of Self-Care and Independence"