Constructive Criticism: How to Use It & Why Not to Abuse It

As parents, we're obligated to show our children the rights and wrongs, the "dos and don'ts" of living. We're their very first mentor in doing this, and its important we do it correctly. We're not just examples for them to follow, although a lot of times they do. We also need to use constructive criticism, correctly. There's a fine line between constructive criticism and plain criticism, and a lot of parents often cross it without knowing it. Children are sensitive beings, especially to their offspring's words. So use them wisely, not without poise. It may be hard for you to think about, because it's your child. I understand, but I must ask you to place yourself in their shoes for a moment. You're a small child, learning, or more so, being bombarded each day with the pursuit of learning the "dos and don'ts" as well as everything the world expects from you.

That rebel phase everybody warns you about, come the teenage years, are for sure a ripple effect of this. No one every said growing up was easy, and it's because we're forced to conform. Now imagine this experience is only made worst because of your parents' negative way of critiquing you. Wouldn't it feel better, wouldn't you learn more from your parent saying "honey, that's not how you fold laundry; let me show you and you can do it again" with a smile on, as opposed to "you're doing it wrong now do it again!"? Wouldn't you learn more from someone showing you why what you did was incorrect and how to correct it, as opposed to (many times unintentionally) putting you down for it? Wouldn't you only grow resentment for the person who puts your down instead of raising you up. With that said, it's important to understand that children are merely more sensitive to our words than we are.

As we grow older, we grow lizard skin, naturally of course, and what we say in jest may sometimes be perceived in disappointment or frustration. And many times we as parents become disappointed or frustrated, but we must not let this be the running message we send our children. They want our approval, and not getting it is bad enough. To scold them, punish them for even the minor misdemeanors, especially in front of others, does much more harm than it does good. And as a parent, it's important you recognize this, and understand why. It's also important you learn what it truly is to give constructive criticism, even if it isn't how you grew and learned yourself. Guide your child in doing the appropriate and try your hardest to set a shining example. No one ever said you were done growing; changing your own behaviors for the good of your child is one of the most wonderful aspects of raising children.

Tips for Utilizing Constructive Criticism at Home

Unless children are doing something of disastrous results, it's sometimes best to let them learn things on their own. Experience is sometimes the best teacher. Other times, constructive criticism from you may be best. It should be encouraging, helpful, and timely, but definitely not negative. 

• Even if you're frustrated with your child's behavior, refrain from using belittling language, an angry tone of voice, or insulting their honest mistakes. And if they're doing something intentionally to bother you, for kicks and giggles, let them know why it's bothering you. Telling them to "stop" because "you said so" doesn't create ideal results, even if your parents used that bulletproof tactic. 
• Before you're ready to teach your child, using constructive criticism, make sure you have their undivided attention. Direct your constructive criticism at their mistake, not them. If applicable, take the time to show them or tell them (if you remember) how you learned to fix this particular mistake. Instead of "do as I say," try "let me show you what helps me." 
• Never make one-sided or hurtful comments. If you know your child as someone with hard skin, who can understand your jest and love for them, joking around can be okay. But I advise against doing it in front of others. This elicits a much different response than when you joke between just you and them. Be ready to teach them examples: they're going to make a lot of honest mistakes while they grow. Spare them embarrassment and instead, teach them to utilize each mistake as a chance to learn and grow. Always use positive words, or compliment sandwiches. I like compliment sandwiches. 
• Never use name-calling, even in jest. And if you do, don't make a habit of it. Imagine being called Einstein after every little mistake you made. My father did that, jokingly (mind you) over and over again ever since I walked into the ocean with a brand new flip phone in my pocket when I was like 10. I now consider myself smarter than him. Am I? Probably. This is your warning. Name calling is no bueno!
• Timing is everything. There may be no use in bringing up an incident if your child has already forgotten about it. The closer the incident and the lesson, the stronger the message. But also recognize when it may not be a good time to do so. If your child says or does something embarrassing in public (pay attention to their body language), pulling them aside might only exacerbate their negative feelings over the situation especially if they are already displaying shame. If it seems that have already learned from something, it's best you let the experience teach its lesson, and attempt not to intervene unless it's to lesson your child's embarrassment or shame.  When you're in your own home, you have control over what happens, over the emotional atmosphere. But in public, people might critique your child as opposed to constructively criticize, and may hurt their feelings without intention. Be your child's reminder that their growing and that mistakes are the pillars of experience and wisdom. 
• Use a tone that has a helpful or attitude behind it. Screaming at your child will only deflate their self-esteem, not teach them to better themselves. Picture the peanut gang's teacher screaming - that's all they probably hear: your anger. It should be your goal to make sure your child or children learn from constructive criticism that is properly delivered. 

Resources

Spivey, Becky L. M. Ed., Super Duper Handy Handouts © 2010: Using Constructive Criticism to Learn at Home